Justice League Review

Justice League

Playing catch ain’t much fun.

Playing catch up ain’t no fun at all.

You bust a gut trying to get close to your nearest rival, only to end up breathless from reacting to their every well planned move.

Which is in no way what’s happened to Warner Bros’ DC shaped cinematic universe, that they definitely haven’t rushed out to cash in on the wave Marvel have been riding ever since Avengers Assemble redefined expectations for what a comic book film can be.

So, where to start with Justice League?

Personally, I’m in favour of taking a leaf out of Zack Snyder’s superhero playbook and just skipping the plot altogether, but here goes.

There’s a big, scary alien called Steppenwolf – no, really – who’s come to Earth to reclaim three mother boxes, or possibly even Martha boxes, that will help him destroy the planet.

And no, I’ve no clue what a mother box is either – although Gal Gadot’s Wonder Woman does her best to explain this.

It’s got something to do with ‘the unity’ if that helps, which it doesn’t.

Anyway, this can only mean one thing – it’s time for Ben Affleck’s impotent Batman to let go of all his new and exciting issues about the death of someone he loves, give Wonder Woman a bell and get themselves a super klan who can save the world from the impending apocalypse.

It’s at this point that I hope Steppenwolf takes a magic carpet ride to victory, as the end of the world may be preferable to any more Zack Snyder superhero films.

I have a bit of a love hate relationship with Snyder these days, which means I love to hate him.

He’s an entirely one dimensional director who only cares about how things look, to the detriment of everything else.

And the hilarious thing is Justice League doesn’t even look that great, and you’ll be able to spot some decidedly ropey cgi effects employed in his mass battle scenes.

Unsurprisingly, Gal Gadot’s wardrobe is the film’s best special effect… or she is.

But is she a good actress? It’s kind of hard to tell – or even remain objective – when her character arc involves this former Miss Israel prancing around from one skin tight outfit to the next.

I definitely didn’t get that feminist memo… but, as a 21st century boy, I’d like to state my full and unequivocal support for such female empowerment.

Of course, compared to the charisma free zone known as Ben Affleck and – spoiler alert – his equally wooden reborn partner in crime-fighting Henry Cavill, Gadot might as well be Daniel Day Lewis, Meryl Streep and Marlon fucking Brando rolled into one.

Add man mountain and official DC bro Jason Momoa to the equation, and Justice League is just about ready for a Zoolander style walk off.

And yes, I’m blaming Snyder for this awful casting too – his fingerprints are all over picking four leads more suited to catwalks than walking the boards, who merely play at being actors simply because they look the part.

Ezra Miller is the bomb as The Flash though.

I could ramble on about everything wrong with Justice League, from its complete predictability and utter unoriginality to the blatant plagiarising of The Lord of the Rings prologue for Steppenwolf’s own Sauron shaped back story.

The worst thing is how Snyder has undone so much of the great work Christopher Nolan did in turning the ridiculous idea of the Batman into a character and reality you could actually believe in.

Not anymore, as Justice League presents us with the frankly ridiculous sight of a rich, middle aged man with little more than some well honed martial arts moves trying to fight aliens who have the power to literally travel between galaxies.

It’s preposterous, but at least Bruce Wayne has his patented oversized tyre workout regime to fall back on, eh.

And a billion dollar trust fund.

It’s about time someone at Warner Bros fired Zack Snyder, Ben Affleck and anyone else holding this franchise back and stopped making any more DC films until they’ve worked out what it is they actually want to create.

It’s about time Warner Bros just admitted they dropped the ball.

Jonathan Campbell

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Dates ‘n stuff

November 2017